So I keep finding little reminders of her that make me cry and shes such a wonderful person and it's been a month and yet some of the things that were wrong still hurt. I was having cyber sex with this one girl who really wanted it about a week and a half ago and at first I was scared then it was a great confidence booster, allowing me for the first time to orgasm without alcohol, then a friend bitched me out and it felt bad and dirty again. I asked for a sign, and she hasnt contacted me and has been shouting out for other girls, too. I was willing to form a relationship, but she just wanted to use me. I've now kissed two guys and am going between appreciating the experience and hating myself. I'm in love with three straight girls one of which offered to come over and hug me when I was crying last night. I just want to be secluded from her, and them, and the guys and never have to think about it again. I had an offer of fwbs with friends and I wanted in mainly because I was horny and actually have feelings for the one friend. The person I talked to about this said that I shouldn[t because I form attachments really easily and would prob get hurt. I feel like the baby that was born should have been mine which is weird for me and the mom who is a lying manipulative hyprocrite may ask me to be godmother and I wasn't able to talk to my godmother about this. I have soooo much homework but I'm trying to figure myself out. My friends helped define me as a pirate of hearts and a snail. Being a snail would make me very happy, but how to become one?
So I've inundated some friends with this and have managed to at least push it away and realize that the world's still turning, but I'd just like somewhere to post it and get it out there. I've been feeling like I'm the only in my relationship for awhile now and whenever I say something to her, she changes for a couple days then goes back to normal. Now, I love her and it's been almost a year and eight months, but she's as romantic as a tree stump and if I'm crazy she needn't be in a relationship with someone so needy and anal and if I'm right, then I deserve to find love and attention elsewhere. I decided this on Monday, then on Tuesday, I kind of sealed the deal and cheated on her. She doesn't even know where I was. So tomorrow morning before school I have to tell her that not only I cheated but that I don't want her forgiveness because I was unhappy anyways. My mom's best friend who's like another parent to me is due to give birth any day now and I find myself saying 'either today or Tuesday, i just need to get this off my chest Monday.' I keep asking myself who I am without her, but the better question is, with or without me, does she even know who she is? We've spent so much time together yet she doesn't even know what makes me happy and has made no effort to find out. Hell, she gave me permission to cheat the first time and wasn't even jealous. I know I am a horrible person for cheating and have gone between hating myself and feeling sorry for myself, but it was the only release I've gotten both emotionally and physically in a long time. Now I thought I could do that and have it not mean anything, but now the person I did it with is acting weird so everything means something. Maybe it'll help her get over me because I'm dreading breaking her heart. I keep looking for little signs that I should try, like trying to get her her fave animal out of a claw machine, and nothing works. I've likened it to the giving tree. the tree only gave what the boy took, only a human believed that the tree felt love for doing things that it would have done anyways, and the boy couldn't sit around waiting for the tree to jump up and proclaim its love because that'd be insane. In the end the tree even had to give the boy materials to leave. He knew the tree would always be there, but who's to say that all the trees in the forest stayed in place because of love. A tree cannot love, or at least cannot show it and humans need to be shown love.
so I wrote a 50,000+ word book in thirty days for national novel writing month, then got published on amazon and kindle. so far, no one has read it all the way through. It speaks of a secluded offshoot of the human race that lives to appreciate beauty. In the beggining, I just strung some very rare words together, so it may be confusing, but i promise, all will be explained in due time. I would love some perspective!!!
Beauty Beloved By(e) All
By Elizabeth Love
My mood: pretty ecstatic
Previous PostsMY BRAIN IS BROKEN, posted November 16th, 2013
Tomorrow, posted October 13th, 2013
PUBLISHED, posted December 22nd, 2012
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